Renaming the 20 Premier League Clubs: If Hull City Owner Assem Allam Can Do It, We Can Do Better

While many of you were laughing at businessman and self proclaimed Leader Assem Allam for his views on rebranding clubs, I actually took the time to analyze his statements.

All in all, Mr. Allam is correct. The world is a changing place and soon teams will have to adapt to it or be left in the dust. In a world where our thoughts are processed in 140 characters or less, no one has the time to be saying (or using valuable Twitter characters) a team’s full name. Honestly, if I had to write “Manchester United Football Club” every time I referenced them on Twitter, I’d only have 109 characters left in which to make my witty remarks. But Mr. Allam’s vision isn’t completely foolproof though. While shortening the name is a great idea, he suggested to go for “power” when renaming your football club. I think this is a HUGE flaw in his business model. While power is good, it doesn’t have the mass appeal that “cute” or “cuddly” has. I mean if you really want to market your team, why limit yourself to just males between the ages of 18-35? You really need to just go all out and brand yourself to everyone: men, women, children, the elderly and the dead.

So the following are the proposals for a rebranding of every team in the Premier League to help give them more marketable and give them a wider appeal.

Arsenal Wizards

I have to admit, this one was inspired by the rebrand of the Washington Professional Basketball Franchise when they changed their name from the “Bullets” to the “Wizards”. There’s no room for violence or guns when you’re branding your team. It also allows them to turn the Arsenal Ladies into the Witches.

Aston Heroes

No one wants to be a Villain. Why has this team been playing up being a bad guy for so many years? Such negativity. These are the sort of people you create when you’re called the Villains — awful human beings that run around maiming children. Calling this team the Heroes will open up a whole new fan base to them. Hopefully for us it’s a fan base full of costumes, lucha libre masks and background music played by One Direction.

Cardiff Whales

It’s smart, it’s clever and it’s geographically correct. Perfect for a team from the capital of a (sort of) country. Why owner and everybody’s cousin Vincent Tan went just for the Asian market is beyond me. I would have thought Vinny would have had the foresight to see what a huge marketing coup this would have been. The Beanie Babies sales alone would have bought them Cristiano Ronaldo.

Chelsea Afros

The addition of Willian had nothing to do with his talent on the field (or with preventing him from going to a rival club). It was all about his hair. Heck Roman isn’t even hiding the fact that he’s about to rebrand this team, just look at the summer signing of Isaiah Brown. Roman’s fetish for large floppy afro’s is one that I share as well, so I am not opposed to this rebrand. Besides, think of all the wonderful wigs they can sell at the Chelsea Megastore. I’m almost convinced Victor Moses was sent out on loan because he refused to take out his cornrows.

Diamond Palace

It should be no shock, given Crystal Palaces past money woes, they would be going after the big ticket items. Everybody knows that diamonds are a girl’s best friend and what better way to build up your significant others hopes than by telling them you’re taking them to “Diamond Palace”. The look of horror that shows up on their face when they walk in to Selhurst Park will be worth the physical abuse you receive when you get home that evening.

Everton Toffees

This one…actually works quite well as is, I mean who doesn’t like Toffee?

Fulham 1980’s

A spin on the American Franchises named after years. The 1980’s was a great time to be alive. Already having a statue of an 80’s icon outside the ground is great and it helps that most of the players on this team were teenagers during the 1980’s. Besides who wouldn’t want to see Martin Jol dressed like this during an 80’s night at the Cottage?

Hull-O Kitties

This is possibly the greatest rebrand of all time and I’m just giving it to Assem Allam (though a finder’s fee would be lovely). There is no bigger animal name brand across the world than Hello Kitty. Every female in the world would be throwing their money at Allam for the chance to have this year’s third shirt. Tigers are too vicious anyways. Are you trying to scare the children Assem?

Liverpool Lollies

This was a tough one I have to admit, but only because of the name Liverpool. While I (and presumably the rest of the world) finds liver repulsive, you need to do something to sweeten the pot. So what’s sweeter than a lollipop? Doctors practically throw those things at kids by the handful. Besides think of the financial bump this team will get every year around Halloween time. It’s genius John Henry. Now give me a job like you did Jen Chang, I promise only to threaten real bloggers.

Manchester Pepsi

If there’s one thing that can be said about clubs in Manchester, it’s that they love their money. This allows them to technically still remain blue AND aligns them with one of the most powerful soft drink companies in the world. Plus, you already have a built in loyal fan base who will buy only Pepsi products and it’d be a huge hit in North Carolina, which loves its blue stuff. This, of course brings us to…

Manchester Coke

SO MANY POTENTIAL DOLLARS! I mean really people, how has no one suggested this to the Glazers yet? Coke, like Manchester United, is literally everywhere you turn. Added bonus: You’re incorporating the Manchester derby AND the Coke/Pepsi rivalry. This is presumably how World War III inevitably starts and even after all the money is counted, United will still only be $300 million in debt.

Newcastle Vignette

Look at the name! It sounds French! It fits because they have a lot of French players! Plus who doesn’t like taking the family out to the vineyard for a nice picnic every once in a while. The kids can eat the grapes right? Presumably this would be one of the riskier names only because Joe Kineaar would try to drink any product associated with it.

Norwich Tweeties

Again I’m giving away multibillion dollar ideas away to these owners. They’re already known as the Canaries, why not rebrand to the most famous Canary of all time? Women and children would be breaking down the doors to the team store just to get a hold of any merchandise. ZOMG SO CUTE.

Southampton Ships

If you have ever been/had a male child, you know their obsession with things that are large and move. So what better than the Ships? Heck there’s a built-in Disney Cruise Lines marketing contract. Might be risky given some of the history of Ships leaving Southampton though…

Bicycle Stoke

Ok, this one is a stretch, but it’s a mode of transportation that is used throughout the world by all classes of people. Partner up with Huffy and you’ve got yourself a great deal. AND there’s the added possibility of this being sung before every game, which would be fantastic if the Stoke fans ever decided to participate.

Sunderland Amore

Given the recent influx of Italians into the region (there are four of them now!), it’s only natural that Ellis Short goes with a romantic Italian themed name. Not to mention the fact that they could link up with any of the billion Italian restaurants throughout the world that carry that name. Again we also have to look at the crowd aspect and think that a crowd of 20k plus singing this would probably be really, really cool.

Swansea Sheep

A bird that is traditionally linked with beauty? Check. An animal that is cute, cuddly and fluffy? Double check. It grabs the adults with the swans and the kids with the sheep. It’s literally a double whammy of marketability. Besides, there was no way one of these teams from Wales wasn’t getting a sheep mascot on my watch.

Tottenham Hot Tub

Spurs can now drop that Sauce sponsor from their shirts in favor of a Whirlpool sponsor. Everyone loves a hot tub. Families, bachelors, everyone young and old can get down with a hot tub. Surely like most hot tubs, this team will be a worthwhile investment that won’t go ignored after the initial investment wears off.

West Sandwich

Someone call Jimmy Johns because they’re about to go global (Note: This is an awful idea). Sandwiches have been enjoyed for forever and it only makes sense to rename this team to the Sandwich since no one knows what a Bromwich is (though I guarantee you Big Sam would eat one). Plus you can name individual Sandwiches after players on the roster. Beware the Ben Foster though, the insides are constantly spilling out.

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