An American Apology: Sorry for Ruining the Premier League

As we all know another Premier League team has been bought by another money hungry (Pakistani) American. So naturally there is a ton of outrage. How couldn’t there be?

Fulham, a club that has been English owned for so long before being acquired by Egyptian businessman Mohamed Al-Fayed, has fallen into the grasp of American ownership. So naturally when I had heard of such a travesty I was heartbroken, especially for the Fulham fans. Now they have to walk around with the shame that comes from supporting a team owned by Americans. Like a leper, they will be cast out by their fellow fans, much like what happened to the fans of Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool. My heart bleeds for these people. So I want to take a moment to apologize to all of the fans in the Premier League for the growing American influence. Time after time we’ve seen these American Owners come in and destroy these clubs inside and out.

To Manchester United fans:

I. Am. Sorry. I’m sorry that your club has been saddled with this horrible debt that has prevented you from being profitable. The debt brought on by the Glazers has kept the team from making marquee signings and achieving success on the field. Since Malcolm Glazer took initial interest in the club in 2003, you’ve only won the Premier League five times and only won one Champions League title, which is absolutely pitiful. The inability of Manchester United to buy players to help win ten Championships has been a cloud that has hung over Old Trafford since the day Malcolm Glazer bought his first share in the club. Sure the team has become more marketable and profitable than ever, but the lack of trophies domestically and in Europe is a HUGE price to pay to be able to pay the bills. Frankly I’m surprised they can even keep the lights on at Old Trafford. If only Ken Bates had taken the money he got from Roman Abramovich and used it to buy Manchester United. Think of how much better off you would have been. I weep for these long suffering fans. The stigma of having American owners has clearly affected the fans as well. Their ongoing protest against anything that has to do with the club has really taken a toll. We never see Manchester United on television anymore and when we do, the thousands upon thousands of empty seats is just embarrassing. I’m glad that those five titles didn’t tempt the fans to give in and come back to a soulless club.

To Arsenal Fans:

I. Am. Sorry. The rollercoaster ride that Arsenal has been on since Stan Kroenke initially bought shares in the team has been heartbreaking to watch. The fans, sitting on the edge of their seats, trying to figure out where inside the Top Four they’re going to finish has to be agony and something that no other fan on the Premier League would wish on their worst enemy. Never mind the fact that the team was already two years without a trophy when he initially came in. Or the fact that Arsenal is now one of the most financially secure clubs in the entire world. It’s the fact that the owner is American and top players won’t sign for Arsenal because of this. It’s amazing that Arsene Wenger, saddled with this burden, has been able to keep the team competitive for all these years. Relying on signing soulless no name mercenaries, who are the only type of player who can play under American ownership, to keep the club afloat. How Arsenal fans can stand to look at themselves in the mirror is beyond me.

To Liverpool Fans:

I am genuinely sorry for Hicks and Gillett. They truly are wankers of the highest level. I promise you we don’t want them either. There really isn’t much else I can say but things can only get better with FSG!

To Sunderland Fans:

I Am Sorry. Ellis Short has ruined a club that has one of the richest histories of success in the top flight and it is a travesty. Since he has taken over, Sunderland have had their longest stay in the top flight since the 1950’s and that just won’t do. This was a team that won their last league title in 1935-36 and the FA Cup in 1973, so success has come natural for the team and Ellis Short has destroyed that legacy. My colleague Matt Duncan goes seasons without sleep knowing that his beloved Sunderland is owned by an American who has turned his club into his own personal play thing. I’m sure he weeps at night, wishing his team were owned by an Englishman, say Mike Ashley, to restore some credibility to his club. Just imagine what his poor wife has to put up with.

To Aston Villa Fans:

I Am Sorry. Randy Lerner has taken your proud club and turned it into a laughing stock. Another perennial title contender, like Manchester United and Arsenal, neutered and shamed by an American owner. Sure the club had finished outside the Top Ten the two seasons before his ownership and sure it’s been over 30 years since the team’s last title, but what Randy Lerner has done to the club since he bought the team is unforgivable. This is a man who hired Alex McLeish and then actually let him last an entire season before bringing in a no-name French manager, Paul Lambert. How there are any Villa fans left is beyond me.

Clearly as you can see, as an American, I have a lot to be sorry for. The things that these teams have gone through would never have happened with British 0wnership. But not only am I sorry for what the American owners have done to the Premier League, I’m also sorry that my country is only giving you millions and millions of pounds so that we can watch the Premier League. That’s money that should be spent elsewhere, instead of being given to all the teams in the Premier League to do with as they wish. I can only hope that one day in the future, all the American owners and American money flowing into the Premier League is taken out and sent elsewhere. Perhaps those godless heathens in Spain and Italy would take the dirty money thrown around by the Americans. So then guys like Ken Bates, Gold and Sullivan, Dave Whelan and Pete Winkelman can restore the Premier League to its true glory. If there is one thing that we all know from the history of English football, it’s that English owners know best and they have never ruined any club ever.

A Note From The Author: If you take one thing away from this apology, it should be this: All owners are awful. No matter their race or creed. No one who amasses enough money to buy a professional sports team is going to be a saint. Complaining that one nationality of owner is worse than another is asinine and only serves to make you look like a fool. Send your complaints to or on Twitter @Morgan_Green

28 thoughts on “An American Apology: Sorry for Ruining the Premier League”

  1. Ha. I actually thought this was serious at first.

    The short write up on Liverpool is expected. Not much room for sarcasm with them.

    1. Come on, Smokey. What else do we have between now and the 17th? Transfer rumors?? I love the sarcasm…..and the point well taken. Saintly owners are in short supply, whatever their nationality.

      Goarrnnnn STOKE! :-)

      1. Guy
        the sarcasm was great and this time of the year is the worst.transfer rumors are stupid like Cesc to UTD.HA HA!this is the year Forest makes it back to the EPL.COFYR!

  2. I am American and I agree. We are brought up to feel so entitled and that leads to dopes with money and no passion, or knowledge for that matter to own football (not throw all) teams. I am embarrassed and hope that these mouth breathing, booger eating pricks are removed, but not returned. Good luck England! You all deserve much better.

  3. Morgan the Glazers have not contributed sh*t to those five titles. And we won the champions league 4 years b4 they bought us and won the prem 3 times in a row. I guess your happy about them crippling us because ithelps out chelsea. 50 million a year is paid on debt that they leveraged on the club so stop being a prick. I am american and i dont like the Glazers one bit they dont come to the games and split up almost half the IPO profits between themselves so just shut up if you dont understand the situation. Every time i buy a Utd jersey that money isnt all going to Nike and Utd. Its to the debt they piled on us. Debt free and we were a profitful club. I guess you would not understand because Abramovich is there to be chelseas superman.

      1. I dont get what your saying. Give the glazers credit for lowering the standards of the club. We cant compete in the market with city or chelsea yet we make almost as much as both of their revenues combined.

        1. Exactly, United actually makes more money than any team in football and yet we cannot compete for top players on fees. Why, well as has been said many times here the Glazers use United as their personal piggy bank.

  4. I’m an Arsenal fan and I don’t mind Kroenke at all. He really hasn’t done much at the club. It’s like he came in, saw that they already had a good financial plan in place and just stuck with it. He respected the club and what they’re trying to achieve, and how they’re trying to achieve it. Arsenal would still be the club they are now with or without him. It’s Usmanov we really need to be worried about. He respects nothing of the club’s tradition and way of doing things. Usmanov out! COYG!

  5. Morgan, I am sorry but your attempt at humour at least from the United point of view is nonsense. The Glazers have had little to do with United’s success, SAF, David Gill and their team is the only reason for United’s success. The Galzer’s have saddled a team that had zero debt with a mountain of debt and if they have 2 years of not winning you will see how quickly that debt becomes a giant anchor around the neck of the team.

    So before you spout nonsense maybe you should do a bit of research. Why do you think that MUST is constantly trying to rid the team of them.

  6. The last paragraph/”Note from the Author” would have been sufficient as a post under the original article… The sentiment of that paragraph is one I agree with, there really is no need for the thinly veiled therapy session that preceeded it.

    The question is, how did this “comedy masterpiece” come about? Hhhmm…

    Perhaps you read the comments posted in response to Kartik’s original critique of the story in the Guardian and got mad… so offended, and mad, and then more offended and a little more mad…you had to vent your anger, but how, how!

    What vessel could you use that would take advantage of your ‘unappreciated in its own time, Atacama dry sarcastic humor’ as well as your incredible literary skills?…The blog…yes! Perfect!

    Close?…no!…far off you say… well thats disappointing, i thought I had you nailed there, the problem is you are a complex fellow…

    None the less in-spite of my inability to accurately describe the thought process in writing your sarcasm masterpiece, it still reads like this…

    “STFU stupid english people… how dare you question the business acumen and intentions of american owners…Look at these facts and observations i have made look should just be grateful for what these fine americans have done…what about the other non english owners of BPL clubs huh..huh..HUH?…WAH.!..why don’t you mention them ..wah…our american money has saved your sport…without us you’d all be speaking be speaking german”.

    So, your superior yet dismissive article aside, the piece demonstrates the misguided use of “The Fact” is only only on a par with your misguided use of statistics on the epl podacst. Your lack of understanding why fans are rightly upset by The Glazers have been bad for Manchester Utd only is sad. The fact SAF and Gill were able to generate the success they did while the Glazers use Manchester Utd as a Debt Relief program is incredible…Your suggestion they had something to do with the success because they didn’t F it up is akin to a fan claiming their side won because they wore their lucky socks while the game was on..its complete bollox.

    I have no love for farsenal…non at all, in-fact I hope the trophy drought continues for millennia. However, your position (while cleverly disguised lol) that they should be grateful because they are financially secure misses the point entirely. The intent behind why the club is being run x way matters, look at the percentage of money Farsenal make from the fans on a match day in comparison to commercial and broadcasting revenue…
    you have those figures right? no? oh ok, here they are from Delloites revenue report.

    Farsenal….290.3 million revenue
    117.7 million from Matchday revenue,
    107.7 million from broadcasting revenue,
    64.9 Million from commercial revenue…

    IMO Farsenal fans have every right to be upset they are being treated like cash machines by a disengaged american owner. 9 years no trophy…Wenger on 7 million a year…of course they’re upset…they’re the only club in the money league top 20 that make more money % wise off the match day fans @ games than any other part of their operation… (again, i have no love for you farsenal.. I want to be clear, I hope you get relegated every year until you are in the Woolwich sunday league). But I sympathize with their frustrations.

    American business treating people in the uk as cash machines for fast food, department stores, cars, jeans P.C’s is one thing..but do that with something that they love like their football team and they will not take kindly to it… its not like any american billionaire owner has done an Abramovich or a Sheikh is it?

    They haven’t thrown their own money by the truck load at the club to win things, they just put enough money in to enable the club to turn a profit back to them. And thats the fear, mediocrity for profit… just like the accepted attitude in american sports franchises(hook)….thats why its not perceived as a good thing…show me an american billionaire BPL owner that has thrown their personal fortunes at the club? least the russian mafia boss love’s the club, he’s lost over a billion in that club..because he wants to win and has billions to spare, as the sheikh’s have too….

    Anyways…I’m thankful, thankful you wrote the article, thankful for your insight, thankful to you and all of america for saving our Island and showing us how to run a sports entity…we have seen the error of our ways and shall now retreat to our rightful place on the STFU chair in the corner as quite rightly shown to us by the wise Morgan of Baltimore.

    Like I said the “Note from the Author” would have been fine…

      1. Writing one of the more insightful comments on the site that makes sense means that he is out of control??? Everything he said was true and it just shows how ignorant Morgan is and how he knows nothing.

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