Fulham, a club that has been English owned for so long before being acquired by Egyptian businessman Mohamed Al-Fayed, has fallen into the grasp of American ownership. So naturally when I had heard of such a travesty I was heartbroken, especially for the Fulham fans. Now they have to walk around with the shame that comes from supporting a team owned by Americans. Like a leper, they will be cast out by their fellow fans, much like what happened to the fans of Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool. My heart bleeds for these people. So I want to take a moment to apologize to all of the fans in the Premier League for the growing American influence. Time after time we’ve seen these American Owners come in and destroy these clubs inside and out.
To Manchester United fans:
I. Am. Sorry. I’m sorry that your club has been saddled with this horrible debt that has prevented you from being profitable. The debt brought on by the Glazers has kept the team from making marquee signings and achieving success on the field. Since Malcolm Glazer took initial interest in the club in 2003, you’ve only won the Premier League five times and only won one Champions League title, which is absolutely pitiful. The inability of Manchester United to buy players to help win ten Championships has been a cloud that has hung over Old Trafford since the day Malcolm Glazer bought his first share in the club. Sure the team has become more marketable and profitable than ever, but the lack of trophies domestically and in Europe is a HUGE price to pay to be able to pay the bills. Frankly I’m surprised they can even keep the lights on at Old Trafford. If only Ken Bates had taken the money he got from Roman Abramovich and used it to buy Manchester United. Think of how much better off you would have been. I weep for these long suffering fans. The stigma of having American owners has clearly affected the fans as well. Their ongoing protest against anything that has to do with the club has really taken a toll. We never see Manchester United on television anymore and when we do, the thousands upon thousands of empty seats is just embarrassing. I’m glad that those five titles didn’t tempt the fans to give in and come back to a soulless club.
To Arsenal Fans:
I. Am. Sorry. The rollercoaster ride that Arsenal has been on since Stan Kroenke initially bought shares in the team has been heartbreaking to watch. The fans, sitting on the edge of their seats, trying to figure out where inside the Top Four they’re going to finish has to be agony and something that no other fan on the Premier League would wish on their worst enemy. Never mind the fact that the team was already two years without a trophy when he initially came in. Or the fact that Arsenal is now one of the most financially secure clubs in the entire world. It’s the fact that the owner is American and top players won’t sign for Arsenal because of this. It’s amazing that Arsene Wenger, saddled with this burden, has been able to keep the team competitive for all these years. Relying on signing soulless no name mercenaries, who are the only type of player who can play under American ownership, to keep the club afloat. How Arsenal fans can stand to look at themselves in the mirror is beyond me.
To Liverpool Fans:
I am genuinely sorry for Hicks and Gillett. They truly are wankers of the highest level. I promise you we don’t want them either. There really isn’t much else I can say but things can only get better with FSG!
To Sunderland Fans:
I Am Sorry. Ellis Short has ruined a club that has one of the richest histories of success in the top flight and it is a travesty. Since he has taken over, Sunderland have had their longest stay in the top flight since the 1950’s and that just won’t do. This was a team that won their last league title in 1935-36 and the FA Cup in 1973, so success has come natural for the team and Ellis Short has destroyed that legacy. My colleague Matt Duncan goes seasons without sleep knowing that his beloved Sunderland is owned by an American who has turned his club into his own personal play thing. I’m sure he weeps at night, wishing his team were owned by an Englishman, say Mike Ashley, to restore some credibility to his club. Just imagine what his poor wife has to put up with.
To Aston Villa Fans:
I Am Sorry. Randy Lerner has taken your proud club and turned it into a laughing stock. Another perennial title contender, like Manchester United and Arsenal, neutered and shamed by an American owner. Sure the club had finished outside the Top Ten the two seasons before his ownership and sure it’s been over 30 years since the team’s last title, but what Randy Lerner has done to the club since he bought the team is unforgivable. This is a man who hired Alex McLeish and then actually let him last an entire season before bringing in a no-name French manager, Paul Lambert. How there are any Villa fans left is beyond me.
Clearly as you can see, as an American, I have a lot to be sorry for. The things that these teams have gone through would never have happened with British 0wnership. But not only am I sorry for what the American owners have done to the Premier League, I’m also sorry that my country is only giving you millions and millions of pounds so that we can watch the Premier League. That’s money that should be spent elsewhere, instead of being given to all the teams in the Premier League to do with as they wish. I can only hope that one day in the future, all the American owners and American money flowing into the Premier League is taken out and sent elsewhere. Perhaps those godless heathens in Spain and Italy would take the dirty money thrown around by the Americans. So then guys like Ken Bates, Gold and Sullivan, Dave Whelan and Pete Winkelman can restore the Premier League to its true glory. If there is one thing that we all know from the history of English football, it’s that English owners know best and they have never ruined any club ever.
A Note From The Author: If you take one thing away from this apology, it should be this: All owners are awful. No matter their race or creed. No one who amasses enough money to buy a professional sports team is going to be a saint. Complaining that one nationality of owner is worse than another is asinine and only serves to make you look like a fool. Send your complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @Morgan_Green