Talk Of The World: The Latest Rumors and Scandals from the Premier League

In the first of a possible new series, EPL Talk offers the rash, abrasive and mostly ignorant views of a tabloid publication from the far-flung reaches of Rupert Murdoch’s empire, Talk of the World. Rest assured, the views expressed below do not reflect the views of EPL Talk;

So that was opening weekend, eh? They do know they’re actually allowed to put the ball in the net, right? No sense tiki-takying about with it, let’s get right to the business:

-Fernando Torres is clearly finished as a top-flight striker in the English Premier League. At this point, he’s worth his weight in rotten Iberian ham. And Chelski would be happy to get that much in return for the forlorn Fernando! Trust in the English spine of Lampard and Terry and let the dynamic duo of last term, Drogba and Anelka, run amok up front, I say.

-Speaking of Chelski, clearly it’s not too early to be thinking of a new manager. Clearly, Andre Villas-Boas is too young and inexperienced for the Greatest League in the World. It takes stones to manage at this level. Roman Abramovich needs to spend less time on super yachts and more time paying attention to the lower levels where the managerial talents of Big Sam, Sven and Macca are being wasted. Or could the unthinkable reunion happen? You didn’t hear it from me, but The Special One’s all but given up on catching Barca and is itching for a return to England.

-How pitiful were QPR at home against Bolton Saturday? If you ask me, they’ll be going down faster than the Dow after a few verses of Walt Whitman.

-I don’t know which Gooner result at St. James’ is worse, 4-4 from last term, or 0-0 from Saturday. Fabregas and Nasri will only be the first rats to flee this sinking ship, mark my words. Clearly, the Wenger Euro-Experiment has failed. A return to good and decent Route 1 football would work wonders for this underachieving and uninspiring lot.

-Add butterfingers and butterflies to the common cold, death and taxes on the list of incurables. I’ve seen enough of David De Gea to say with absolute certainty that he will never be a success betwixt the sticks for Man United. Sir Alex, if you’re reading this, get Anders Lindegaard in there asap. Better yet, get Edwin van der “Save” on the phone and promise whatever it takes to lure him back from the rocking chair.

-After watching Liverpool draw against Sunderland I just can’t shake the notion that the Reds have the wrong former legend in control. Kevin Keegan’s the man to mold this mix of misfit midfielders into European Colossuses again.

20 thoughts on “Talk Of The World: The Latest Rumors and Scandals from the Premier League”

  1. What an absolute load of crap. I have never read such rubbish in my life. You don’t serously get paid for writing this drivel do you?

  2. Dude, when did u start to watch the game? Some time during mid february?
    My 5 year old cousin could give me a better insight on EPL than you…are u bloody high, mate?

  3. Despite the fact that the writer explicitly stated from the beginning that this isn’t to be taken seriously, some have still shown their inability to read.

  4. It is funny that some seem to have problems detecting satire… that is labeled as satire.

    That said, satire is tough work and the author could use a little more work or time on this if he wants to do additional articles as such. It may be funny enough to just make tabloid covers with various article headers. Just two cents left in the take a penny, leave a penny.

    1. agreed. with a bit more work and experience this certainly has potential! I’m always up for a good bit of comedy. and nevermind the unobservant fools who don’t get it. they are ever present on these interwebs.

  5. For the many who didn’t get it. The tabloid is actually called News of the World…Talk of the world, ie EPL TALK is supposed to be a parody of a badly written, snap judgement, sensationalist tabloid’s view of football. Jeeze.

    That said. I wasn’t blown away with hilarity, to be honest.

  6. I like how since some people dont define what satire is in their comment they automatically have no clue what this article is about

  7. I think most people understood that it was supposed to be a satire (apart from maybe “toit”). It just wasn’t very good satire. In fact it was terrible, no offence – it just wasn’t witty at all.

    Lots of people used to do similar parodies of tabloid reporters, pundits etc on BBC Football’s 606 site…at least they were sometimes pretty good. This was just bad.

  8. I think people are missing the point of satire. Satire is way to express an idea through wit and humor on social issues and a way to improve society or a person. However, satire isn’t always funny. People may not think it was funny but does fall into the category of satire.

  9. Torres has got to be the biggest waste of money, ever. He was polished rubbish the last 2 years at Liverpool, and I am still trying to figure out why Chelsea would have paid anything for him, biggest waste. Torres needs to seek a deal with the MLS so he can walk around, sell jerseys/autographs, and call it a day in his beachside estate. Honestly, I have never seen someone get paid so much to put out so little effort and do so little.

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