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Talk Of The World: The Latest Rumors and Scandals from the Premier League

Talk of the World News of the World Parody1 Talk Of The World: The Latest Rumors and Scandals from the Premier League

In the first of a possible new series, EPL Talk offers the rash, abrasive and mostly ignorant views of a tabloid publication from the far-flung reaches of Rupert Murdoch’s empire, Talk of the World. Rest assured, the views expressed below do not reflect the views of EPL Talk;

So that was opening weekend, eh? They do know they’re actually allowed to put the ball in the net, right? No sense tiki-takying about with it, let’s get right to the business:

-Fernando Torres is clearly finished as a top-flight striker in the English Premier League. At this point, he’s worth his weight in rotten Iberian ham. And Chelski would be happy to get that much in return for the forlorn Fernando! Trust in the English spine of Lampard and Terry and let the dynamic duo of last term, Drogba and Anelka, run amok up front, I say.


-Speaking of Chelski, clearly it’s not too early to be thinking of a new manager. Clearly, Andre Villas-Boas is too young and inexperienced for the Greatest League in the World. It takes stones to manage at this level. Roman Abramovich needs to spend less time on super yachts and more time paying attention to the lower levels where the managerial talents of Big Sam, Sven and Macca are being wasted. Or could the unthinkable reunion happen? You didn’t hear it from me, but The Special One’s all but given up on catching Barca and is itching for a return to England.

-How pitiful were QPR at home against Bolton Saturday? If you ask me, they’ll be going down faster than the Dow after a few verses of Walt Whitman.

-I don’t know which Gooner result at St. James’ is worse, 4-4 from last term, or 0-0 from Saturday. Fabregas and Nasri will only be the first rats to flee this sinking ship, mark my words. Clearly, the Wenger Euro-Experiment has failed. A return to good and decent Route 1 football would work wonders for this underachieving and uninspiring lot.

-Add butterfingers and butterflies to the common cold, death and taxes on the list of incurables. I’ve seen enough of David De Gea to say with absolute certainty that he will never be a success betwixt the sticks for Man United. Sir Alex, if you’re reading this, get Anders Lindegaard in there asap. Better yet, get Edwin van der “Save” on the phone and promise whatever it takes to lure him back from the rocking chair.

-After watching Liverpool draw against Sunderland I just can’t shake the notion that the Reds have the wrong former legend in control. Kevin Keegan’s the man to mold this mix of misfit midfielders into European Colossuses again.


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