Morons, idiots and all the excuses to talk about the “dark days” of football are back in the news. For every ying you need a yang. Your yang for this week is a look into Paul Merson’s mind, a Clive Tyldesly inner-monologue, a statistical analysis of Gareth Bale’s pegs and a song about Michael Owen. If you’re in the bottom seven, you may need to iron the parachute.

Here’s this week’s episode of Friday Football Special (FFS):