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Saturday’s Bundesliga Review: Schalke Remain Rooted In Relegation Zone

Revenge Of The Sith: Novakovic Hits Three.

The Bundesliga just get’s crazier and crazier. Some really shocking results in the DFB Pokal in midweek – where HSV, Mainz, Leverkusen, Werder Bremen, Freiburg and Dortmund were all knocked out – have led to a mental Saturday afternoon of football. Things never seem to go as planned in the Bundesliga, and this weekend was no different. A state of normalcy in German football would be a state of anarchy anywhere else in Europe, that’s for sure. Let’s get to the results.

FC Koln 3 – 2 Hamburg SV

Wow. Frank Schaefer is certainly kicking it up a few notches at Koln. Zvonimir Soldo, the tyrant that he is, kept the animal that is Milivoje Novakovic locked up in the FC Koln dungeon for reasons unknown. The only explanation I can put together is that Novakovic’s fury and bouts of terror might have been too much for the tactician’s liking. Frank Schaefer, however, obviously recognized the beast’s potential, and unleashed him. Hamburg SV were hamstrung and then eaten alive by the towering Novakovic, who made the pitch his very own hunting ground. Novakovic took his first bite after just eleven minutes, but Hamburg forced him back through Mladen Petric and Heung Min-Son 25 minutes into this bloodbath. The visitors thought they had defeated the beast, but Novakovic’s might knows no bounds. He struck back wildly just before the half-hour mark, and killed his prey off with just six minutes left on the clock. If Frank Schaefer can keep this kind of form up at Koln, he may find himself thrust into the Bundesliga spotlight on a much more permanent basis. Next weekend, Koln take on Nurnberg at the EasyCredit Stadion and will be hoping for three easy points, while Hamburg host Hoffenheim.

Kaiserslautern 3 – 0 Borussia Monchengladbach

What’s happened here! This will surely cost Michael Frontzeck his job. Kaiserslautern returned from the grave to see off a Gladbach side who look to be condemned to eternal torture in the 2. Bundesliga unless they reverse their fortunes soon. Kaiserslautern tired their victims out until the final 20 minutes of the match, and then decapitated their exhausted opponents with three late slashes from Christian Tiffert, Adam Nemec and Srdjan Lakic. Kaiserslautern will visit Leverkusen next weekend, while Gladbach will host Bayern Munich.

St. Pauli 1 – 3 Eintracht Frankfurt

Theofanis Gekas howled at the moon and went werewolf on St. Pauli this Saturday. Gekas has been in scintillating form, obviously on account of the recent full moon. Gekas struck twice, and Caio, who is also a creature of the night, thrashed a hapless St. Pauli side, who provoked Frankfurt’s werewolves through Carlos Zambrano after just five minutes. I could only ever see Frankfurt winning this game, and they have done.

VfL Wolfsburg 2 – 0 Stuttgart

The sorcerer that is Steve McClaren conjured up a much-needed win here against what continues to be a hapless Stuttgart side. Not much magic was needed to blow over the disaster that Stuttgart has been so far this season, and even though they had their chances, Wolfsburg, in the end, were too much for their opponents. McClaren shields himself with an orb of invincibility from the board, but there’s no telling how long it will last! Simon Kjaer and Edin Dzeko both netted from corner kicks.

Werder Bremen 2 – 3 Nurnberg

This is madness! No, THIS! IS! NURNBERG! Definitely a performance worthy of Spartan glory by Nurnberg here against Werder Bremen. The home side’s hordes poured forward at every opportunity, but Nurnberg remained compact and determined and caught their opponents out on the break. Hugo Almeida drew first blood for the green-and-white horde, but Ilkay Gundogan’s brace and a Mehmet Ekici strike in between it cut the legs out from their opponents. One of the shocks of the weekend, and the pressure will continue to mount on Thomas Schaaf. Actually, that pressure may be just about ready to burst. Schaaf doesn’t have too much longer to turn things around at Bremen.

Schalke 04 0 – 1 Bayer Leverkusen

Felix Magath is Gollum, and Sam Gamgee, our Jupp Heynckes, just kicked him into a volcanic pit. It’s a huge understatement to say that the pressure is getting very intense around Schalke and Magath. As he cascades down the pit that is Mount Doom, he’ll hardly have time to think about where to play Jefferson Farfan and Jose Jurado, because it’s going to be getting very hot very soon for our favourite little cretin. This was a must-not-lose, and Schalke have gone and lost it. I don’t see a way out of the volcano for Magath now!

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  1. David H

    November 1, 2010 at 12:46 am

    Finally Kaiserslautern get back to winning, and a relegation match at that. Which will be very important as the current residents of the bottom 3 ain’t gonna be there all season. Probably.

    After 11+ years do you really think Bremen will cut Schaaf loose? I can’t see it. He’s not the one who sold Özil.

    • Dylan Thomas

      November 1, 2010 at 7:27 pm

      I know, it’s awful that Schaaf’s the one having to go through it all with Werder Bremen. He’s been such a servant to the club, but he still may not be the right one to lead them forward right? I’m sure they’ll give him the season, but if things are still grim when all is said and done, he may be on his way!

  2. Michael

    October 31, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    Gekas is amazing.. it will always be a mystery to me why someone with his goal scoring record for both club and country was never given a chance by a big team

  3. allieeya

    October 31, 2010 at 1:49 am

    schalke’s loss to leverkusen might be the last straw to break teh camel’s back.

    I didn’t think Schalke was particularly bad even though I didn’t watch the entire match. It was just some unlucky woodwork got in Huntelaar’s way and Leverkusen capitalised on schalke’s weakness: a slow defence, hence they tore the defence apart during a lightnig quick counterattack, Sam out pacing metzlder.

    even so, I have a feeling Magath will remain in his position of authority. yes schalke has had horrible performances before, but last night’s was a decent showing by them. 🙁

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