Four Tips For Helping Premier League Footballers Handle The Recession

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From an extravagant Russian billionaire to the post-peak stripper living paycheck to paycheck, the economic crisis has affected all. At some point, the recession will even reach the insular world of Premier League footballers. To help these normally fiscally free dandies adjust to these more responsible times, here are four helpful tips.

The Pint: Despite the scarring examples provided by Tony Adams and Paul Gascoigne, drinking remains an essential part of footballing culture. We wouldn’t dare suggest that Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard adopt the more professional, moderate lifestyles of players on the continent. Surely, commitment to fitness has nothing to do with winning a World Cup. However, these lads could imbibe in a more cost-conscious manner. Sugary mixed drinks in England are overpriced and awful, and paying £250 for a bottle of champagne is sodden idiocy. Either option is also effeminate. The simple beer is smooth, cost-effective and masculine. It lets you know when to stop.

The Base Model Car: A Bentley Continental GT is a lovely car. It’s cool.  Just as cool as the one you bought last year and equally as awesome as the four identical ones your teammates have sitting in the same parking lot.  Your super-car may be extra cool, with customized rims and your playing number and child’s or ex-girlfriend’s name worked into the trim. But, really who are you trying to impress? Women love luxury. Show up in a modest Mercedes or BMW.  It keeps the class and lessens the load on the wallet. If you have anything more impressive in the automobile department, women wonder what deficiency for which you need to overcompensate.

Monogamy: Women are expensive. Whether you date one, marry one, meet one in a club, visit one on the sly after training or pay your way into pleasure, it is going to be a good time. Having a healthy one-woman relationship minimizes wining and dining expenses. There’s only one set of birthday and Valentine’s Day gifts to buy. Another added benefit of flying with one, is you don’t get caught.  There’s no emotional baggage. Financially, you don’t have to buy expensive gifts to make up for it. You don’t lose half your money in a messy divorce. When the footballing days are over, and you are a grizzled old coot with jowls spouting aimless clichés on television, you have someone to take care of you.

Security: You have a large amount of money and no responsibilities. You want to buy some crazy jewelry and an insane home theater set. You don’t, however, want to buy two of everything. Have a security detail. Maybe you don’t want to pay one full time, but have someone guarding your house, particularly in Liverpool or Manchester, when you are playing away in Europe.  It may seem an unnecessary expense now, but it’s cozy not to have to worry about your loved ones being robbed at knifepoint.

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