Manager Fashion Statement of the Year: Sam Allardyce’s Pink Scarf

Big Sam has been coming up short in the league this season, but not in this category. He had some tough competition from Avram Grant (Entirely Black Wardrobe), Paul Jewell (Sweatshirt/Popped Collar Dress Shirt) and Alan Curbishley (Track Suit). But, in the end, the ridiculous sight of Sam Allardyce in an ugly pink scarf that was entirely by choice and has nothing to do with the Newcastle kit takes it.

Haircut of the Year: William Gallas

This category normally has an abundance of competition, and this year is no different. There are the usual suspects, such as Joleon Lescott and newcomers such as Stephen Ireland’s hair piece. Just within the Arsenal set-up alone there is Bakary Sagna’s spider, Hleb’s self-induced mullet and Arsene Wenger’s magically changing hair color. However, Gallas’ mohican takes it home for the sheer audacity of the thing. Is looking like a demented dinosaur his way of asserting himself as the alpha male? Apologies to Steve McClaren who’s morass technically does not count.

Outrageous England Footballer Moment of the Year: Ashley Young

As expected, the competition for this award was fierce. England has John Terry, Rio Ferdinand and Micah Richards, and that is just within the back four. There was ample opportunity with team christmas parties, birthday parties, and cell phone video cameras. However, Ashley Young’s pace and ferocity came through in the end.

Most Invented England Media Controversy: The Fabio Capello Appointment

Nothing can make the English media happy, nothing. Brian Barwick realizes the error of his ways with McClaren and brings home the best manager available. He is a superb tactician and evaluator of talent. He is self-assured enough to handle the big egos on the England squad. He is easily lampooned and provides endless quasi-racist fodder for jokes. What more could you want from an England manager?

Best Facial Expression: David Moyes’ Angry Face

This award had a lot of competition as well. There is Robbie Keane’s sourpuss whinging face. Curbishley’s glassy stare. Arsene Wenger’s gaulic arrogant face. Andiry Shevchenko’s lost puppy dog look. The sad resignation of every Wigan player after a Bramble Bumble. Berbatov’s look of disdain for his teammates. Sir Alex’s senile goal celerbation. However, Moyes’ angry face is definitely the best. His little face gets all red and it looks like steam is about to come out of his ears. Amazing.

Best Player Description: Pippo Inzaghi as “The Reverse Thierry Henry” by Barry Glendenning

Djibril Cisse as ‘The French Michael Owen” is a close second.

Most Shameless Self-Promotion Venture: FRANK TV

Followed closely by any footballer releasing a fragrance.

Most Disturbing English Media Man-Crush: Kasper Schmeichel

We all love the English fetish for tall, striking Scandinavian men. A close second to any large physically imposing black player.

The “Stand Up and Be Counted” Award: John Terry

Awarded for his valor and heroism to play 90 minutes for Chelsea a mere three days after he was unfit to play for England.

The Journalistic Integrity Award: Gabriele Marcotti and Guillem Balague

For traveling to the home of Harry Redknapp and not asking him anything relating to corruption charges, coincidentally right before he was arrested.