Renaming the 20 Premier League Clubs: If Hull City Owner Assem Allam Can Do It, We Can Do Better

While many of you were laughing at businessman and self proclaimed Leader Assem Allam for his views on rebranding clubs, I actually took the time to analyze his statements.

All in all, Mr. Allam is correct. The world is a changing place and soon teams will have to adapt to it or be left in the dust. In a world where our thoughts are processed in 140 characters or less, no one has the time to be saying (or using valuable Twitter characters) a team’s full name. Honestly, if I had to write “Manchester United Football Club” every time I referenced them on Twitter, I’d only have 109 characters left in which to make my witty remarks. But Mr. Allam’s vision isn’t completely foolproof though. While shortening the name is a great idea, he suggested to go for “power” when renaming your football club. I think this is a HUGE flaw in his business model. While power is good, it doesn’t have the mass appeal that “cute” or “cuddly” has. I mean if you really want to market your team, why limit yourself to just males between the ages of 18-35? You really need to just go all out and brand yourself to everyone: men, women, children, the elderly and the dead.

So the following are the proposals for a rebranding of every team in the Premier League to help give them more marketable and give them a wider appeal.

Arsenal Wizards

I have to admit, this one was inspired by the rebrand of the Washington Professional Basketball Franchise when they changed their name from the “Bullets” to the “Wizards”. There’s no room for violence or guns when you’re branding your team. It also allows them to turn the Arsenal Ladies into the Witches.

Aston Heroes

No one wants to be a Villain. Why has this team been playing up being a bad guy for so many years? Such negativity. These are the sort of people you create when you’re called the Villains — awful human beings that run around maiming children. Calling this team the Heroes will open up a whole new fan base to them. Hopefully for us it’s a fan base full of costumes, lucha libre masks and background music played by One Direction.

Cardiff Whales

It’s smart, it’s clever and it’s geographically correct. Perfect for a team from the capital of a (sort of) country. Why owner and everybody’s cousin Vincent Tan went just for the Asian market is beyond me. I would have thought Vinny would have had the foresight to see what a huge marketing coup this would have been. The Beanie Babies sales alone would have bought them Cristiano Ronaldo.

Chelsea Afros

The addition of Willian had nothing to do with his talent on the field (or with preventing him from going to a rival club). It was all about his hair. Heck Roman isn’t even hiding the fact that he’s about to rebrand this team, just look at the summer signing of Isaiah Brown. Roman’s fetish for large floppy afro’s is one that I share as well, so I am not opposed to this rebrand. Besides, think of all the wonderful wigs they can sell at the Chelsea Megastore. I’m almost convinced Victor Moses was sent out on loan because he refused to take out his cornrows.

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