How To Buy A Football Club (A Form Letter)
Dear Sir/Lord/Baron/Chairman/Sheik/The Donald:
Thank you for your interest in our beloved club: ______ City/Town/Wandering Athletic Rovers/United/FC. If you should chose to purchase us, we believe this will be an invaluable experience for all parties involved.
To be honest, our club has had its ups and downs over the years, most notably the recent ban/fine/bankruptcy/relegation/tell-all Channel 4 documentary, but we believe we are uniquely poised to become a real football powerhouse given the right support (e.g. unlimited funds and an “adventurous” business model).
Last season we put forth a strong League/European/Carling Cup/FA Cup/Fantasy Football run. We believe a new owner who is willing to plunge a large chunk of personal fortune into our organization with no hope of turning a profit until the year 2020 can help us build on this success.
Firstly, we hope you can help us improve our stadium situation. While New/Old/St/ ______ Park/Ground/Road/Bridge/Lane has long been our much-loved home with plenty of history and memories, we know it is time to build a larger, more modern ground to help with our sizable ambitions.
We are proposing a new state-of-the-art stadium with 100,000 seat capacity, easier access to trains and buses, an expanded executive level, a megastore for club merchandise, breathtaking architecture and WCs that don’t smell like a 4th century dung heap.
If you buy the club, we would happily name the new ground after you/your oil conglomerate/your airline/your bank/your country/your mum/your wife/your mistress. We hope to break ground as soon as possible as our current digs are frankly being held together by tape, twine and a sticky mixture of beer, meat pie crust and tears (no exaggeration).
Next, we’d like to improve our side with some outrageous summer transfers that transform us into a top club overnight, inspire unprecedented inflation in the player market and make our starting XI look like this:
Casillas, Maicon, Terry, Vidic, Jones, Gerrard, Kaka, Ronaldo, Messi, Arshavin, Torres.
(Note: Jones is a local lad and a fan favourite so we’ll keep him in. Plus, he’s English and will help us fulfill those pesky new regulations. We’ll also be seeking British citizenship for Torres, Kaka, Vidic and Maicon just to be safe.)
This will go a long way toward us winning EVERYTHING as well as bringing in a lot of money through the increased sales of replica kits.
For further improvement we’d like you to invest heavily in our youth academy. A new ground, new training facilities and a slush fund for coaxing young players away from their contracts at other clubs (what could go wrong?) should go a long way toward ensuring the future of the club is heading in the right direction.
Finally, with your help, we can grow our little club into a true global brand. With the right kind of marketing and outreach our club can soon become one of the best loved football organizations on the planet. Our dream is to be recognized the world over to the point where Sherpas descending from remote Himalayan expeditions will be sporting our home kits. (Oooh: new marketing idea! Official club chubas!)
These are just a few points toward our vision of moving the club forward. If you decide to get involved, we’d love to hear your own ideas as well. It’s the least we can do considering you’ll be funding our complete transformation out of your deep pockets.
Again, thank you for your interest in our humble organization. We truly believe we’d be the perfect fit for you and the relationship would prove long and fruitful.
Chairman/Manager/Director/Groundskeeper/#1 Fan _______
PS – While our organization has been recently hounded by the press over the alleged antics of our star striker/winger/defender/keeper/WAG, please know the events surrounding the car crash/punch-up/doping scandal/venereal disease/overdose/karaoke night remain purely circumstantial and we feel certain the whole affair will soon blow over. Please don’t let this unfortunate incident tarnish your opinion or sway your decision.