Masal! Willifred the Destroyer is open!
Manchester (AP) Manchester City, after failing to acquire AC Milan and Brazil midfielder Kaka for the proposed sum of a Gajillion pounds [Bajillion American dollars], are considering making a bid for former Arsenal target Masal Bugduv. Mark Hughes acknowledged the extraordinarily high fee for the non-existent Moldovan forward, but remarked that, “It’s an inflated market. We’ve already forked out 25 million quid on Tweedle Dum [defender Wayne Bridge] and Tweedle Dee [forward Craig Bellamy]. Once we found out Masal didn’t exist, we knew we’d get maybe 5 million pounds off what Arsenal might have paid for him. City fans should see this as a great deal for the club.”
While Hughes was reticent about where exactly a non-entity would fit in his starting eleven, he acknowledged that Bugduv might be the tip of the iceberg. “City have never had a non-existent player, although Steve Daley came close. We might get more in if it works out. Perhaps that bloke from Goal!, although I’m not sure Real Madrid are ready to talk transfers at the moment.”
Fans were excited at the news, particularly in the wake of Kaka’s rejection of the Gajillion pound fee. “This is the future,” said one man outside City of Manchester Stadium, arm dangled in the air around an imaginary friend he identified as ‘Willifred the Destroyer.’ “No actual megastars seem to want to sign here, so made-up players are the next best thing. Willifred’s agent is actually in talks with the club. We’re gobsmacked.”
FIFA President Sepp Blatter denounced the move, remarking that immaterial footballers “…should be drawn from the league’s national ranks. What about Roy Race? He’s off languishing in the lower leagues while Moldova is deprived of their favourite fake son.” And while there’s been no official word from Bugduv’s agent, several comments resembling AP wire stories popped up on various fansites confirming his interest. If acquired, Bugduv would almost certainly replace City forward Darius Vassell.