The Premier League Horror Hair Starting XI


This team would win neither titles nor plaudits.  But, they certainly would entertain.  They may even possibly scare small children.  Without further delay, here is the most follically challenged/enlightened team in the English Premier League.

Manager: Joe Kinnear (Newcastle) Joe Kinnear is old school and tempestuous, his hair coincides.  It’s a mullet.  It’s a bird’s nest.  Combined, it is just a mess.

GK: David James (Portsmouth) This group of goalkeepers has scant follicle creativity, making David James the run-away choice.  Whether it’s cornrows, the standard fro or that slick do that lasted one magical day, the Pompey keeper does a job.

D: Gareth Bale (Tottenham) Bale’s hair looks as freakishly overzealous as the rest of his body.  It defies styling.  It defies gravity.  Yet, with all of its characteristic Welsh mysticism, it can’t conjure a win for Spurs when he plays.

D: Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle) When Coloccini arrived at Newcastle, he drew comparisons to Kevin Keegan in his prime.  Whether you term it to be a perm or a lions’ mane, it’s molto fantastico.

D: John Terry (Chelsea) Terry does not necessarily belong in this team, but his general jerk factor should leave him open to even the most far-fetching ridicule.  He deploys the devious tactic of using height and product to mask an ever-worsening coverage issue.

D: Bakary Sagna (Arsenal) Normally, the blonde tarantula look would be absurd.  But, Bak rocks it as an everyday look rather than a fanciful fit, which bizarrely has made it seem normal.

M: Stephen Ireland (Manchester City) Ireland should be excluded, given his shorn status.  But, the premature balding followed by the mysterious solution he found last season leaves a lingering effect.

M: Steven Pienaar (Everton) Cornrows can be a nice look, even a sensible one for the footballer wanting neither muss nor fuss.  However, Pineaar’s shaving pattern around the ear, which is not his natural hairline, jars the visage.

M: Marouane Fellaini (Everton) Fellaini already has ten yellow cards in 17 Premier League appearances.  Don’t tell me it’s his height or prodigious skill that attracts the referees.  It’s all the hair.

M: Dirk Kuyt (Liverpool) Kuyt’s hair is business in the front and party in the back, with style nowhere to be found.  He’s a 1980’s Larry Bird sans the moustache.

F: Djibril Cisse (Sunderland) (C) Djibril Cisse no longer shocks with his hair.  Any style or color is conceivable.  His head’s entirety has merged into a single unit of expression.  He’s even married to a hair dresser.  This craggy veteran wears the armband.

F: Andy Carroll (Newcastle) Andy Carroll emulates Kevin Federline.  He’s already got the pattern of juvenile delinquence.  With his new hairstyle, he’s got the fire as well.

13 thoughts on “The Premier League Horror Hair Starting XI”

  1. that's pretty insensitive or just ignorant to list Lescott . The guy was hit by a car as a small child, and that funny haircut is actually just scars.

    Its one thing to chant a bird shit in your hair another to make fun of someone's childhood scars.

    yes well done

  2. Thank you for your constructive feedback, Patrick.

    I was unaware of Lescott's injury. I will perform an exhaustive inquest into the childhood of every one I write about for this site before ever hazarding a joke again.

  3. Yes, because wikipedia is a treasure trove of factual information. I go there as well for my Djimi Traore statistics and my latest updates about the Masal Bugduv transfer saga.

  4. or watching Everton EVER.

    I'm NO Everton fan but I watch football, and they talk about things like that. what next Tevez' scar?

    You clearly do not watch that much football. and frankly the list wasn't that great.

    I support WHU, and this is funny…

    the contents of Bellamy's locker.
    A Banjo – for his beloved George Formby impressions on the away coach trips.
    A very well thumbed A-Z road map of the UK.
    A signed copy of The Wanderer.
    Golf clubs – slightly bent.
    A pair of discarded insoles.
    A booster chair.
    A copy of 'How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You' with several pages ripped out.
    A cell phone with a half written text message to Alan Shearer.

  5. and I just noticed this

    “Tyler Duffy, 23, graduated from the University of Michigan with a B.A. in History. He currently resides in Boston where he is pursuing an M.A. in Journalism from Northeastern University”

    And YOU want a masters in Journalism? wow.

  6. Jesus christ, loosen up everyone! Since when is an article about absurd hair styles supposed to be held to the most rigorous journalistic standards?

  7. Yes, Patrick, you are correct. I obviously don't watch any football. My not knowing/caring how an Everton defender got his scar is prime evidence of that.

    I write for this website solely to annoy people such as you with my dearth of knowledge and intellect.

  8. Article was fine, I got a chuckle…I doubt the Lescott comment was malicious in any way. I love reading the comments on this site, hypocrites abound. What if Craig Bellamy's anger was the result of a childhood trauma or trying to deal with the death of a loved one? All of a sudden your joke becomes wildly offensive, eh Patrick? But it's okay because you wrote it, or because you didn't know, or because you didn't mean anything by it, or because you support West Ham blah blah blah. Plus, it's sad about the injury, but objectively, Lescott does have bad hair. To hell I go!

  9. thin skin much?

    My first comment was more of disgust. Like making fun of someone's handicap. So you fire back full barrell that you didn't know and that its a joke.

    but if you are going to be a journo, and you make such a joke in a paid position. you will get fired for it.

    that's reality.

    so if you wanna act snarky and cool about it, fine.

    your loss. could have just said admited your bad and moved on.

    no one is perfect but seriously Lescott is an England international. Everyone knows about his scar. Like tevez'.

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