This team would win neither titles nor plaudits. But, they certainly would entertain. They may even possibly scare small children. Without further delay, here is the most follically challenged/enlightened team in the English Premier League.
Manager: Joe Kinnear (Newcastle) Joe Kinnear is old school and tempestuous, his hair coincides. It’s a mullet. It’s a bird’s nest. Combined, it is just a mess.
GK: David James (Portsmouth) This group of goalkeepers has scant follicle creativity, making David James the run-away choice. Whether it’s cornrows, the standard fro or that slick do that lasted one magical day, the Pompey keeper does a job.
D: Gareth Bale (Tottenham) Bale’s hair looks as freakishly overzealous as the rest of his body. It defies styling. It defies gravity. Yet, with all of its characteristic Welsh mysticism, it can’t conjure a win for Spurs when he plays.
D: Fabricio Coloccini (Newcastle) When Coloccini arrived at Newcastle, he drew comparisons to Kevin Keegan in his prime. Whether you term it to be a perm or a lions’ mane, it’s molto fantastico.
D: John Terry (Chelsea) Terry does not necessarily belong in this team, but his general jerk factor should leave him open to even the most far-fetching ridicule. He deploys the devious tactic of using height and product to mask an ever-worsening coverage issue.
D: Bakary Sagna (Arsenal) Normally, the blonde tarantula look would be absurd. But, Bak rocks it as an everyday look rather than a fanciful fit, which bizarrely has made it seem normal.
M: Stephen Ireland (Manchester City) Ireland should be excluded, given his shorn status. But, the premature balding followed by the mysterious solution he found last season leaves a lingering effect.
M: Steven Pienaar (Everton) Cornrows can be a nice look, even a sensible one for the footballer wanting neither muss nor fuss. However, Pineaar’s shaving pattern around the ear, which is not his natural hairline, jars the visage.
M: Marouane Fellaini (Everton) Fellaini already has ten yellow cards in 17 Premier League appearances. Don’t tell me it’s his height or prodigious skill that attracts the referees. It’s all the hair.
M: Dirk Kuyt (Liverpool) Kuyt’s hair is business in the front and party in the back, with style nowhere to be found. He’s a 1980’s Larry Bird sans the moustache.
F: Djibril Cisse (Sunderland) (C) Djibril Cisse no longer shocks with his hair. Any style or color is conceivable. His head’s entirety has merged into a single unit of expression. He’s even married to a hair dresser. This craggy veteran wears the armband.