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Relax, Don't Do It When The Premier League Comes

Frankie says relax t shirt Relax, Don't Do It When The Premier League Comes
By John Nicholson

There was this woman called Candy. And there was this Motel 6 room on the 101 outside of San Luis Obispo. She suffered from premature ejaculation. Oh yes. And I was thinking this weekend that she was just like so many football fans.

Not only did she actually – well, squirt is how I’d have to put it – she did so after little or no stimulation. It was quite a performance to behold and it made an adverse impact on the soft furnishings and mattress of this particular Motel 6 I can tell you.

I encountered her while living out my rock n roll road dreams with a Stratocaster and three stoned lunatic musicians.

Her substantial orgasmic response to my ham-fisted pawing was such a shock to me that at first I thought she was simply incontinent, which all in all, is likely to put you off both rumpy and pumpy. Then I considered that she might be just crazy and all the thrashing and thrusting was just some amateur dramatics. But no, it was all for real. She could have an orgasm almost instantly at almost any time. While this must have been at least somewhat pleasurable, I would have thought it was also a tad inconvenient when traveling on a bus over a bumpy road and if someone is drilling the road up outside.

Outwardly you couldn’t tell. There was nothing physical to suggest she was a walking orgasmatron. In truth you had to put towels down to do any serious humping, it was very messy because she would just keep on doing it and every time it was like turning on a garden hose.

Having had to work hard in the past to get ladies to this state of climax and frequently failing, it was surprisingly unsatisfying to be presented with a lady who would go off like a hand grenade as soon as look at you.

I was reminded of her this weekend when I heard the first fan reaction to the first games of the season. Just one game down and they’ve already shot their wad like teenage boys being seduced by the cute looking 23 year old substitute games mistress.

Instant and absolute judgments have already been made and conclusions drawn. Spurs are rubbish, 4th place? Delusion. Man United have already lost the title and Ferguson hasn’t a clue what he’s doing tactically compared to that nice man Coppell. Newcastle are now officially brilliant, Allardyce is a genius and Bolton are going down. Sven is now a football hero and not the cold, heartless, useless gimp that he was made out to be. It’s all so clear now, after just 90 minutes of football. It all comes out in one massive orgiastic splurge of opinion.

This is one of the unintended consequences of the interactive media. Everyone gets to tell you what they think instantly without any pause for consideration. Which is all fine, but we shouldn’t take it with any degree of seriousness. It sets a hysterical tone and makes all concerned look a bit mad.

Football eventually makes fools of all of us who think we know something about it. You need about 10 games in a new season to really figure out what is happening, anything quicker than that is simply premature football ejaculation!

John Nicholson writes each week for Football 365 and EPL Talk. You can listen to John’s wonderful stories on episode 30 and 45 of the EPL Talk Podcast, as well as purchase his excellent Footy Rocks book and order one of his unique rock’n roll T-shirts.

This entry was posted in General, Leagues: EPL. Bookmark the permalink.

About Christopher Harris

Founder and publisher of World Soccer Talk, Christopher Harris is the managing editor of the site. He has been interviewed by The New York Times, The Guardian and several other publications. Plus he has made appearances on NPR, BBC World, CBC, BBC Five Live, talkSPORT and beIN SPORT. Harris, who has lived in Florida since 1984, has supported Swansea City since 1979. He's also an expert on soccer in South Florida, and got engaged during half-time of a MLS game. Harris launched EPL Talk in 2005, which was rebranded as World Soccer Talk in 2013.
View all posts by Christopher Harris →

9 Responses to Relax, Don't Do It When The Premier League Comes

  1. Corey says:

    This is the first time I have ever seen a writer connect female ejaculation & sports…AWESOME.

  2. long time reader says:

    Gaffer, I thought this was supposed to be family friendly website / blog that focused on the EPL.

    I’m sure it took a lot of creative talent for John to come up with that perverted, self stimulating “commentary”, but honestly, very disappointing article for an otherwise very respectable blog.

    This is a low point for EPL Talk. I honestly thought this website was beyond this trash. There are lots of sites already out there where people can go for this kind of quality writing about Candy…

  3. Simon Burke says:

    Whoa – this is so poor. I have never liked this guy’s writings over at 365 – dont let this tool pollute your site Gaffer. Grim indeed.

  4. dstorm says:

    Gaffer, very disappointing indeed – Your site is above this.

  5. Anonymous says:

    what’s her phone number… LOL

  6. Anonymous says:

    Prudish Americans, just go back to the god channel!

  7. Simon Burke says:

    I would be a prudish Englishman – its a crap article on any side of the Atlantic.

  8. riocharlie says:

    Im neither prudish or british, but this article lost my interest halfway thru. The author is hit or miss for me sometimes spot on and others a boar, this one falls in the latter.

  9. JLay says:

    I disagree.

    Liked the article- nothing wrong with being a little provocative from time to time.

    If it offended you, you probably knew it would by the time you finished the first couple lines- just don’t read it!

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