Relax, Don't Do It When The Premier League Comes

By John Nicholson

There was this woman called Candy. And there was this Motel 6 room on the 101 outside of San Luis Obispo. She suffered from premature ejaculation. Oh yes. And I was thinking this weekend that she was just like so many football fans.

Not only did she actually – well, squirt is how I’d have to put it – she did so after little or no stimulation. It was quite a performance to behold and it made an adverse impact on the soft furnishings and mattress of this particular Motel 6 I can tell you.

I encountered her while living out my rock n roll road dreams with a Stratocaster and three stoned lunatic musicians.

Her substantial orgasmic response to my ham-fisted pawing was such a shock to me that at first I thought she was simply incontinent, which all in all, is likely to put you off both rumpy and pumpy. Then I considered that she might be just crazy and all the thrashing and thrusting was just some amateur dramatics. But no, it was all for real. She could have an orgasm almost instantly at almost any time. While this must have been at least somewhat pleasurable, I would have thought it was also a tad inconvenient when traveling on a bus over a bumpy road and if someone is drilling the road up outside.

Outwardly you couldn’t tell. There was nothing physical to suggest she was a walking orgasmatron. In truth you had to put towels down to do any serious humping, it was very messy because she would just keep on doing it and every time it was like turning on a garden hose.

Having had to work hard in the past to get ladies to this state of climax and frequently failing, it was surprisingly unsatisfying to be presented with a lady who would go off like a hand grenade as soon as look at you.

I was reminded of her this weekend when I heard the first fan reaction to the first games of the season. Just one game down and they’ve already shot their wad like teenage boys being seduced by the cute looking 23 year old substitute games mistress.

Instant and absolute judgments have already been made and conclusions drawn. Spurs are rubbish, 4th place? Delusion. Man United have already lost the title and Ferguson hasn’t a clue what he’s doing tactically compared to that nice man Coppell. Newcastle are now officially brilliant, Allardyce is a genius and Bolton are going down. Sven is now a football hero and not the cold, heartless, useless gimp that he was made out to be. It’s all so clear now, after just 90 minutes of football. It all comes out in one massive orgiastic splurge of opinion.

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  1. Corey August 15, 2007
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